WARNING: May Contain Adult Content. Parents are Cautioned

December 20, 2006

Child Life Jackets! Yeah, I actually had a chance to see these things in action this summer! I don't know who designed them - but they are absolutely brilliant! Notice that big fluffy thing behind the baby's head - take a good close look at it - it's important. What that big fluffy thing does is it shoves the baby's head face first into the water! Think I'm being sarcastic - think again. I saw one of these life-jackets doing just that. A toddler was getting into very shallow water - and once he got out to about waste deep, he tripped. He went face first into the water - the bouyancy of the jacket around his belly pushed his abdomen up, and the big fluffy thing behind his head pushed his face into the water. Yes, as expected - bubbles and splashing ensued - and flailing toddler arms. Luckily somebody pointed out to the woman's mother (who was busy talking on a cell-phone) that her son was in trouble... OK, I guess this is a good product - but I have some ideas for other products - read on! How about the: "Junior Stay Where I Can See You Leash". Tired of your kids running out of your sight when you have important cell-phone calls to make? Simply fasten the leash around your toddler's neck, and tie the other end to a tall tree! Now you can go about your merry business and totally ignore the fact that you even have kids! Yup, you married that air-headed blonde and now she's watching your kids - that's where this new child-movement-restriction leash comes in handy. It let's her make those important cell-phone calls to stacy and susan while she's at the beach with the kids (survival of the fittest my *ss-hole - darwin was such a dipsh*t). Another benefit of the "Junior Stay Where I Can See You Leash" is if by some remote chance you actually are watching your kids, you can watch them change colors. Or How about the "Junior I Said It Wasn't Bedtime Yet BedSpread". A Bedspread coverd with broken Glass - That's a good one too.... Survival of the Fittest - My Ass... Darwin was a Retard.